I had been doing really well. Since I finished the How To Stop Dieting e-course, I had been expressing my feelings more openly, listening to my body for hunger and fullness cues, and generally doing a pretty good job of controlling my desire to eat myself into a food coma.
Then yesterday I had to go to the doctor. It wasn't a planned visit--I had a severe allergy attack and needed to get into the doctor before I clawed all my skin off from the Itchy Itchiness of Doom--so I didn't really have time to prepare. As soon as I walked into the office from the lobby, however, I saw it.
(Did ominous music just play in your head, or was that just me?)
I haven't weighed myself in a while, probably six or eight weeks. I moved our bathroom scale into our spare bedroom, where I rarely go, and it hasn't been an issue. I was at my heaviest weight ever the last time I weighed, and it sent me into such a binge that I wasn't sure I would ever come out of it. Plus, I've been feeling extra shitty about myself because my allergies have been so bad lately that I can't work out outside without needing an inhaler halfway through, and I haven't been able to make it to yoga. So.
What I should have done, if I had the balls, was told the very, very nice nurse that I was in recovery from an eating disorder and didn't want to see or be told the number on the scale. I didn't do that. Truth be told, I was morbidly curious, in the way that you come across a car wreck and crane your neck to look and see if you see any blood.
It was eight pounds higher than the last time I weighed.
Eight pounds higher than my heaviest weight ever.
And thirty-eight pounds higher than the weight I swore I'd never see again only three short years ago after my last really solid attempt at dieting.
I saw that number in my head last night every time I closed my eyes. And then this morning, as I was getting dressed and lamenting my sad state of affairs, my eyes landed on my vision board:
Nowhere on my vision for the future does an ideal weight appear. What does appear are running shoes, to symbolize my goal of running a marathon. And guess what? I walked a half-marathon just two months ago. A lady doing downward dog, to symbolize my love of yoga. And I just bought a Groupon to try and get myself back into a habit of attending regular yoga classes. Finally, it says "eat healthier". And I really, really do believe that the work I'm doing on myself will help me do that. Even if I did eat four donuts yesterday. Because I didn't dwell on it. I ate a light lunch and moved the fuck on with my life.
In other words, I'm reframing this like a mofo. I AM working towards my vision. I AM gaining control of my life. I DO deserve to thrive. And the scale? Well, it can suck it.