Reframing.

Source: dreaminplastic.com via Brit on Pinterest

I had been doing really well.  Since I finished the How To Stop Dieting e-course, I had been expressing my feelings more openly, listening to my body for hunger and fullness cues, and generally doing a pretty good job of controlling my desire to eat myself into a food coma. 

Then yesterday I had to go to the doctor.  It wasn't a planned visit--I had a severe allergy attack and needed to get into the doctor before I clawed all my skin off from the Itchy Itchiness of Doom--so I didn't really have time to prepare.  As soon as I walked into the office from the lobby, however, I saw it.

The scale.

(Did ominous music just play in your head, or was that just me?)

I haven't weighed myself in a while, probably six or eight weeks.  I moved our bathroom scale into our spare bedroom, where I rarely go, and it hasn't been an issue.  I was at my heaviest weight ever the last time I weighed, and it sent me into such a binge that I wasn't sure I would ever come out of it.  Plus, I've been feeling extra shitty about myself because my allergies have been so bad lately that I can't work out outside without needing an inhaler halfway through, and I haven't been able to make it to yoga.  So. 

What I should have done, if I had the balls, was told the very, very nice nurse that I was in recovery from an eating disorder and didn't want to see or be told the number on the scale.  I didn't do that.  Truth be told, I was morbidly curious, in the way that you come across a car wreck and crane your neck to look and see if you see any blood. 

It was eight pounds higher than the last time I weighed. 

Eight pounds higher than my heaviest weight ever.

And thirty-eight pounds higher than the weight I swore I'd never see again only three short years ago after my last really solid attempt at dieting.

I saw that number in my head last night every time I closed my eyes.  And then this morning, as I was getting dressed and lamenting my sad state of affairs, my eyes landed on my vision board:

Source: awonderingspirit.blogspot.com via Holli on Pinterest

Nowhere on my vision for the future does an ideal weight appear.  What does appear are running shoes, to symbolize my goal of running a marathon.  And guess what?  I walked a half-marathon just two months ago.  A lady doing downward dog, to symbolize my love of yoga.  And I just bought a Groupon to try and get myself back into a habit of attending regular yoga classes.  Finally, it says "eat healthier".  And I really, really do believe that the work I'm doing on myself will help me do that.  Even if I did eat four donuts yesterday.  Because I didn't dwell on it.  I ate a light lunch and moved the fuck on with my life.

In other words, I'm reframing this like a mofo.  I AM working towards my vision.  I AM gaining control of my life.  I DO deserve to thrive.  And the scale?  Well, it can suck it.